---
title: "\"We'll rest after we die\": A psychologist explains why we don't know how to relax and how to reclaim our right to rest"
description: "Gestalt therapist Lubov Rudnytska explains why many people don't know how to rest without guilt: childhood conditioning turns a pause into a \"loss of control.\" We examine three psychological mechanisms and how to reclaim your right to rest."
date: 2026-10-17T15:37:25.436Z
lang: en
url: https://xab.info/en/posts/psychologist-explains-why-we-cant-relax
tags: [mental-health, psychology, burnout, work-life-balance, rest, guilt, wellness]
author: "Inna Kinsheva"
publisher: "XAB.info"
---

# "We'll rest after we die": A psychologist explains why we don't know how to relax and how to reclaim our right to rest

![Tired young woman lying on a white sofa at home looking anxious](https://xab.info/media/2026/10/17/psiholog-obyasnila-pochemu-my-ne-umeyem-otdyhat-bez-viny/psiholog-obyasnila-pochemu-my-ne-umeyem-otdyhat-bez-viny-1.webp)

## Key Points

- The mindset that "rest must be earned" forms in childhood in families where hard work was the measure of worth
- In adulthood, rest causes anxiety rather than relief because self-worth is tied to productivity
- Three mechanisms are at play: self-esteem's dependence on results, an endless to-do list, and the habit of self-control
- A single free evening doesn't bring relaxation — the habit of tension makes peace seem "unusual" and frightening

Phrases like "work first, everything else later," "if you do nothing, you'll achieve nothing," or "how can you rest when there's so much to do" are familiar to anyone who grew up in an environment where hard work was not just a value, but the measure of human worth. According to an exclusive conversation with gestalt therapist, educator, and author of the training program "Self-Esteem and Communication" for teenagers Lubov Rudnytska, it is in childhood that those internal rules are laid down which in adulthood turn into an invisible mechanism preventing a person from relaxing. Rest is perceived not as a natural bodily need, but as a reward that must be earned — which is why every free evening is accompanied not by relief, but by quiet anxiety and guilt.

### Where the "no resting" mindset comes from

In families where labor was a survival method, a manifestation of responsibility, or the only familiar path to recognition, a child was praised for grades, achievements, helping parents, and the ability to be "convenient." Much less often were they noticed when they listened to themselves, noted fatigue, and allowed themselves to stop. If a child wanted to lie down, read for pleasure, or simply do nothing, they might hear: "You'd better go do something useful." Gradually, instead of specific behavioral rules, a whole system of beliefs is internalized: being good means being productive and useful. At the same time, Rudnytska emphasizes, parents do not always consciously form such attitudes — often they themselves grew up in conditions where rest was an inaccessible luxury, and they transmit what helped them overcome difficult circumstances without thinking about the consequences for the next generation.

### How it manifests in adult life

A person accustomed to evaluating themselves exclusively through the lens of productivity faces a paradox: they finally get a free evening or day off, but instead of relief, they feel anxious. They watch a movie and think about work, play with friends and remember unfinished tasks, go to bed earlier but scold themselves for not using that time more usefully. Outwardly, such a person looks extremely organized, responsible, and purposeful. However, according to the therapist, internally their activity is supported not only by interest or ambition, but also by the fear of being "not good enough." Work ceases to be a choice and becomes a way to prove one's value to oneself and others — and in this case, even achievements do not necessarily bring pleasure: after completing one project, one must immediately tackle the next, and after success, live up to even higher expectations.

### Three psychological mechanisms that prevent relaxation

In a psychological sense, Rudnytska explains, several mechanisms operate simultaneously here. First, self-worth depends on results: a person feels good when they have done something, helped someone, or achieved a goal, and when they do nothing, it is hard to believe they are still valuable. Second, the belief that rest must be earned, while the to-do list practically never ends: as soon as one task is completed, the next one appears, and the right to rest, dependent on the complete absence of unfinished tasks, may never arrive. Third, the habit of constant self-control: a person does not just work, but continuously checks whether they have done enough, whether they are wasting time, and whether they are falling behind others. In such a state, rest is perceived as a loss of control, and even if the body objectively needs a pause, the psyche finds it extremely difficult to accept it without internal resistance.

### Why a single free evening doesn't solve the problem

Sometimes a person gets so used to a tense rhythm that peace seems unusual and even frightening to them. When external stimuli disappear, internal dialogue comes to the fore: thoughts about the future, unresolved issues, worries, and dissatisfaction with oneself. Therefore, as the specialist notes, one should not expect that after a single free evening a feeling of deep relaxation will suddenly appear. The problem is not that a person loves to work, sets ambitious goals, or strives for development — this can be an important and healthy part of their life. Difficulties begin when labor ceases to be a choice and turns into the only available way to feel needed and valuable. Understanding these mechanisms is the first step to reclaiming the right to rest without remorse and stopping the perception of a pause as personal failure.

## Fact-Check & Sources

- [Почему мы не умеем расслабляться и как избавиться от вины за отдых: советы психолога](https://wave.rbc.ua/ukr/wellness/chomu-mi-vmiemo-rozslablyatisya-i-k-pozbutisya-1792151989.html) - Original source: exclusive interview with gestalt therapist Lubov Rudnytska for Wave RBC.UA. All quotes, mechanisms, and formulations are taken from the source text. There are no discrepancies with other sources.

## FAQ

### Why does rest cause feelings of guilt?

According to gestalt therapist Lubov Rudnytska, this is a consequence of attitudes laid down in childhood: in families where hard work was the measure of dignity, free time was perceived as laziness that needed justification. In adulthood, this turns into an internal rule: the right to rest must be earned, and since the to-do list never ends, rest never arrives.

### How to distinguish healthy enthusiasm for work from toxic productivity?

The specialist emphasizes that loving to work, setting ambitious goals, and striving for development is normal. The problem arises when work ceases to be a choice and becomes the only way to prove one's value to oneself. In this case, even achievements do not bring pleasure, and upon finishing one project, anxiety about the next one immediately arises.

### Will a single free evening help you learn how to rest?

No. Rudnytska notes that a person accustomed to a tense rhythm perceives peace as something unusual. When external stimuli disappear, internal dialogue intensifies — thoughts about the future, unresolved issues, self-dissatisfaction. Therefore, relaxation requires time and conscious practice, not just a single day off.