---
title: "Why We Keep Choosing 'the Wrong Ones': A Psychologist Explains How Childhood Scripts Control Our Relationships"
description: "Psychologist Yulia Krasnihina explained how models of intimacy absorbed in childhood quietly shape the choice of an adult partner, and why we reach for the familiar rather than for what makes us happy."
date: 2026-09-20T08:16:00.000Z
lang: en
url: https://xab.info/en/posts/why-we-choose-the-wrong-partner-childhood-intimacy-scripts-psychologist
tags: [psychology, relationships, childhood-trauma, partner-choice, gestalt-therapy, emotional-patterns]
publisher: "XAB.info"
---

# Why We Keep Choosing 'the Wrong Ones': A Psychologist Explains How Childhood Scripts Control Our Relationships

![Почему мы снова выбираем «не тех»: психолог объяснила, как детские сценарии управляют нашими отношениями](https://xab.info/media/2026/09/20/detstvie-i-vybor-partnera-psiholog-o-scenariyah-blizosti/detstvie-i-vybor-partnera-psiholog-o-scenariyah-blizosti-1.webp)

## 🎯 Key Points

- The first ideas about love and intimacy are formed in childhood and are unconsciously carried into the adult choice of a partner
- If love in the family had to be 'earned,' a person tends to choose emotionally unavailable partners
- The psyche gravitates toward familiar behavioral patterns, even if they caused pain, rather than toward those that bring happiness
- Awareness of one's own behavioral scripts makes it possible to change choices and build healthier relationships

Anyone who has ever found themselves in a relationship that brought no joy has asked the question: why do I keep attracting someone who is not right for me? What at first glance looks like mere bad luck or 'poor choice' can in reality be the result of deeply rooted models of intimacy formed back in childhood. Exclusively for Styler, Yulia Krasnihina, a psychologist at the 'Nezlamna' center and a practicing Gestalt therapist, explained how the experience of relationships with parents and other significant adult figures quietly but persistently shapes who we choose as partners in adult life.

### The Foundation Laid in Childhood: Where 'Intimacy Scripts' Come From

According to Krasnihina, the first and most enduring ideas about love, closeness, care, and safety are formed in early childhood — in the relationships with parents or the people who raised us. It is during this period that a child unconsciously absorbs a particular script of interaction: how to express attachment, how to react to conflict, what to consider 'normal' in a couple. 'It is at that moment that we unconsciously absorb a certain relationship script and carry it into adult life,' the psychologist emphasizes. As a result, the choice of a partner in adulthood is determined not only by the objective personal qualities of the other person, but also by how familiar and 'homely' certain behavioral patterns seem to be. A person unconsciously seeks in a partner the same patterns they witnessed in childhood, even if those patterns caused them suffering.

### The Trap of 'Earning Love': When Attention Becomes a Reward

Krasnihina gives a concrete example of how childhood experience translates into adult choices. If in the family love and attention had to be constantly 'earned' — through achievements, people-pleasing, suppressing one's own needs — then in adult life such a person tends to choose emotionally unavailable partners and again and again tries to win their favor. The mechanism works invisibly: the brain perceives tension and uncertainty as the 'normal' state of intimacy, because that is exactly how it was organized in childhood. A similar dynamic appears in those who grew up in an atmosphere of chronic criticism or instability. For such people, calm, predictable, and healthy relationships may feel 'boring' or even anxiety-provoking, while conflict and emotional roller coasters are perceived as clearer and, paradoxically, more comfortable.

### The Paradox of Familiarity: Why We Choose the Habitual, Not Happiness

One of the key reasons why people repeat the same destructive scripts is that the psyche gravitates toward what is already well known. 'The paradox is that we often choose not what makes us happy, but what is familiar to us. Even if that experience once caused pain,' Krasnihina explains. That is why infatuation often arises not toward someone who treats a person gently and respectfully, but toward someone in whose presence a familiar-from-childhood feeling is reproduced — whether that is anxiety, being undervalued, or the need to 'prove' one's worth. In such cases, a significant relationship becomes not a source of support but an unconscious attempt to 'replay' and finally 'win' that very childhood script.

### A Script Is Not a Sentence: The Role of Awareness in Changing Choices

At the same time, the psychologist emphasizes: life scripts are not an irreversible sentence. The key tool for change is awareness of one's own behavioral patterns. 'By becoming aware of their own behavioral patterns, a person gains the ability to change their choices, build healthier relationships, and stop repeating the same script over and over again,' Krasnihina notes. According to her, the path to stable and happy relationships often begins not with the search for the 'right' person, but with a deeper understanding of oneself: one's triggers, expectations, automatic reactions, and those subtle 'criteria' by which the psyche selects a partner. Gestalt therapy, which the specialist practices, is in particular aimed at making these unconscious patterns visible and thereby returning to the person the freedom of choice.

Thus, the question 'why am I in such relationships again?' stops being a self-accusation and becomes a point of entry for conscious self-work. Understanding that childhood experience is not a sentence but merely a starting point allows one not to repeat the same mistakes but to build intimacy on new, healthier foundations.

## 🔍 Fact-Check Verification

- [Why We Choose 'the Wrong' Partners: A Psychologist on Scripts That Stretch Back to Childhood](https://styler.rbc.ua/ukr/useful/chomu-mi-obiraemo-ne-tih-partneriv-psiholog-1789819516.html) - Первичный источник: эксклюзивное интервью с психологом Юлией Краснихиной. Все цитаты и тезисы в статье соответствуют тексту источника. Дополнительные источники (ID 2–4) затрагивают смежные темы психологии отношений, но не содержат противоречий к основным утверждениям.
- [Psychologist Explains the Habit of Choosing a Partner 'Worse Than Oneself'](https://news.mail.ru/society/68022045/) - Подтверждено по источнику news.mail.ru
- [Psychologist Explains How Scent Affects the Choice of a Partner](https://www.sports.kz/news/psiholog-rasskazala-kak-zapah-vliyaet-na-vyibor-partnera) - Подтверждено по источнику sports.kz
- [Psychologist Explains Why Women May Choose a Partner 5–10 Years Younger](https://www.gazeta.ru/social/news/2026/08/31/29216737.shtml) - Подтверждено по источнику gazeta.ru

## ❓ FAQ

### Q: Why does a person keep choosing a partner who is not right for them?
**A:** According to psychologist Yulia Krasnihina, this is linked to models of intimacy absorbed in childhood. The psyche unconsciously gravitates toward familiar behavioral scripts, even if they caused pain, because to it they seem like the 'norm.'

### Q: What can be done to stop repeating the same script in relationships?
**A:** Krasnihina notes that the key step is awareness of one's own behavioral patterns. Understanding which patterns you unconsciously reproduce makes it possible to change your choices and build healthier relationships. Working with a psychotherapist, for example in the direction of Gestalt therapy, can be helpful for this.

### Q: Does an atmosphere of criticism in childhood affect the choice of a partner in adult life?
**A:** Yes. If a child grew up in an atmosphere of criticism or instability, such patterns may be perceived by the adult as clearer and even more comfortable than calm and healthy relationships. As a result, a person may unconsciously avoid partners who treat them gently.