Anyone who has ever found themselves in a relationship that brought no joy has asked the question: why do I keep attracting someone who is not right for me? What at first glance looks like mere bad luck or 'poor choice' can in reality be the result of deeply rooted models of intimacy formed back in childhood. Exclusively for Styler, Yulia Krasnihina, a psychologist at the 'Nezlamna' center and a practicing Gestalt therapist, explained how the experience of relationships with parents and other significant adult figures quietly but persistently shapes who we choose as partners in adult life.
The Foundation Laid in Childhood: Where 'Intimacy Scripts' Come From
According to Krasnihina, the first and most enduring ideas about love, closeness, care, and safety are formed in early childhood — in the relationships with parents or the people who raised us. It is during this period that a child unconsciously absorbs a particular script of interaction: how to express attachment, how to react to conflict, what to consider 'normal' in a couple. 'It is at that moment that we unconsciously absorb a certain relationship script and carry it into adult life,' the psychologist emphasizes. As a result, the choice of a partner in adulthood is determined not only by the objective personal qualities of the other person, but also by how familiar and 'homely' certain behavioral patterns seem to be. A person unconsciously seeks in a partner the same patterns they witnessed in childhood, even if those patterns caused them suffering.
The Trap of 'Earning Love': When Attention Becomes a Reward
Krasnihina gives a concrete example of how childhood experience translates into adult choices. If in the family love and attention had to be constantly 'earned' — through achievements, people-pleasing, suppressing one's own needs — then in adult life such a person tends to choose emotionally unavailable partners and again and again tries to win their favor. The mechanism works invisibly: the brain perceives tension and uncertainty as the 'normal' state of intimacy, because that is exactly how it was organized in childhood. A similar dynamic appears in those who grew up in an atmosphere of chronic criticism or instability. For such people, calm, predictable, and healthy relationships may feel 'boring' or even anxiety-provoking, while conflict and emotional roller coasters are perceived as clearer and, paradoxically, more comfortable.
The Paradox of Familiarity: Why We Choose the Habitual, Not Happiness
One of the key reasons why people repeat the same destructive scripts is that the psyche gravitates toward what is already well known. 'The paradox is that we often choose not what makes us happy, but what is familiar to us. Even if that experience once caused pain,' Krasnihina explains. That is why infatuation often arises not toward someone who treats a person gently and respectfully, but toward someone in whose presence a familiar-from-childhood feeling is reproduced — whether that is anxiety, being undervalued, or the need to 'prove' one's worth. In such cases, a significant relationship becomes not a source of support but an unconscious attempt to 'replay' and finally 'win' that very childhood script.
A Script Is Not a Sentence: The Role of Awareness in Changing Choices
At the same time, the psychologist emphasizes: life scripts are not an irreversible sentence. The key tool for change is awareness of one's own behavioral patterns. 'By becoming aware of their own behavioral patterns, a person gains the ability to change their choices, build healthier relationships, and stop repeating the same script over and over again,' Krasnihina notes. According to her, the path to stable and happy relationships often begins not with the search for the 'right' person, but with a deeper understanding of oneself: one's triggers, expectations, automatic reactions, and those subtle 'criteria' by which the psyche selects a partner. Gestalt therapy, which the specialist practices, is in particular aimed at making these unconscious patterns visible and thereby returning to the person the freedom of choice.
Thus, the question 'why am I in such relationships again?' stops being a self-accusation and becomes a point of entry for conscious self-work. Understanding that childhood experience is not a sentence but merely a starting point allows one not to repeat the same mistakes but to build intimacy on new, healthier foundations.
